The Paper Route

My Very Worst Job happened a long time ago. I was still a good summer or two away from mowing lawns for cash, and my Garbage Pail Kids addiction wasn’t satisfied through my measly allowance, so when a friend asked if I’d deliver papers on his afternoon route while he was away for a week I was extremely excited. We went over the paper route for a couple days before he left and when the day arrived I was ready to go.

I must have looked quite the sight: chubby little blond kid with socks pulled up to his knees and shorts that barely went halfway down his thigh, pedaling his bitchin red dirt bike with the plastic grocery bags full of papers up the street. Any mental image of that day, however, should include a very untied right tennis shoe.

A slob? Sure. But that’s not why I mention it. I mention it because shortly into the route I suddenly found that I couldn’t pedal the bike. At all. I also couldn’t move my right foot. The lace had wound tightly up in the pedaling mechanism and not only was making any forward progress impossible, it was making it impossible to get off the bike.

I promptly panicked and fell over. This had a dual effect of breaking the plastic bags the papers were in and bloodied my knees and elbows. Here’s another mental picture: this time the chubby blond kid is bleeding, way-too-short shorts dirty, crying on the ground with one foot tied to a bitchin red dirt bike with papers strewn around him. I somehow managed to get my foot out of the shoe, but couldn’t unwind it at all and the back wheel still wouldn’t turn. I ended up gathering as many papers I could and limped away, dragging the bitchin red dirt bike behind me to a house on the corner where I could call my mom to come get me. She did and we spent the rest of the week delivering out of her car. I’m pretty sure she ended up spending more on gas than I got for delivering.

Comments (16)

eliOctober 11th, 2010 at 6:13 am


LisaOctober 11th, 2010 at 6:17 am

Bravo. A one-star MVWJ + ten-star writing skills = five-star story.

emOctober 11th, 2010 at 7:04 am

5 stars for using the words “bitchin’ red dirt bike”

MMMichelleOctober 11th, 2010 at 9:11 am

haha, awww. I know the pain of shoelace stuck in bike. Only I fell on a gravel path and lost a lot of skin…

Frau BlucherOctober 11th, 2010 at 9:11 am

awww poor kid! lol

shelbyOctober 11th, 2010 at 9:39 am

hahaha awesome story, and the writing skills are brilliant!

CloeyOctober 11th, 2010 at 9:50 am

Aw. Maybe it’s because I’m the momma of a little boy, but this made me kinda sad.

TedOctober 11th, 2010 at 9:58 am

I read this and wondered… Did I submit a story about myself? It’s nice to know I wasn’t the only clumsy ass out there making a bitchin’ red dirt bike look uncool.

TMSOctober 11th, 2010 at 11:27 am

As soon as I saw “a very untied right tennis shoe” I cringed because I could see where this was going, although it was not as bad as I pictured it. Not that it makes what happened to you any less bad, but I pictured you getting far more banged up then you really were.

Oh yeah, I gave it five stars for the phrase “bitchin red dirt bike”.

LiOctober 12th, 2010 at 8:08 am

Awww…this is adorably pathetic!

rawrOctober 12th, 2010 at 8:14 am

Awww, poor kid, but a damn entertaining story.

RHJOctober 12th, 2010 at 11:29 am

Oh man, I remember the pain of the paper route. I think my worst day was when it started to hail golf-ball-sized chunks of ice while I was only about a third of the way done. (100-house route). So I hid on someone’s porch, meaning to wait it out, got bit by their dog, and then Mom came to find me and the car got dented to hell and back while we finished my route.

DanOctober 13th, 2010 at 8:08 am

Great job, very well written, “a very untied right tennis shoe.” Love it!

Jade LynnOctober 13th, 2010 at 8:15 am

I suddenly feel compelled to change my user name to “Bitchin Red Dirt Bike”

FaithOctober 13th, 2010 at 1:03 pm

I giggled from the beginning of this to the end. Bravo to you and your Bitchin’ Red Dirt Bike.

TheRestOfTheStoryOctober 13th, 2010 at 3:45 pm

Who was your favorite Garbage Pail Kid?

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